A Quest for Number One

BURGER KING ROLLS OUT DRIVE-THRU “REMOTE RELIEF”

Burger King restaurants in the Cincinnati and Denver markets will install “Remote Relief” systems, enabling drive-through customers to urinate from their cars while waiting for food and drink orders to be filled.

Reports of the test-marketing efforts were leaked by an anonymous, internal source. “It’s controversial,” she said, “but we’re moving forward with it. We know it’s going to take a radical new concept to overtake McDonald’s.”

The Remote Relief system is essentially a vacuum hose which extends from within the restaurant at the customer’s request, long and flexible enough to be pulled through an open car window. A sealed bag on the hose’s end contains a sanitary, single use receptacle, which the customer will fit onto the end of the hose.  (The unisex receptacle resembles an oblong funnel.) The urine is extracted and directed into the restaurant’s sewage system; the hose retracts into the restaurant where an employee disposes of the receptacle and attaches a new bag.

“The American fast-food consumer has demonstrated an unshakable reluctance to get his butt out of the car,” said an analyst with Hale Yessai Sherwood, who applauds the concept. “Four dollar gas, global warming, doesn’t matter. They’d rather wait fifteen minutes at the drive-through than walk into the restaurant and get served in five. Give Burger King credit for knowing what the customer wants.”

An analyst at Noah Dunne Finkso disagrees. “They’ve tried ‘Have it Your Way,’ they’ve tried flame broiling, they’ve tried that weird king dude in the creepy mask. This is pure desperation. And even if it catches on, what’s to stop McDonald’s from doing the same thing? You can’t patent a hose.

The Burger King source expresses confidence. “We think McDonald’s is too conservative to try something this out-of-the-box. Will there be an adjustment period? Absolutely. But in a few years people will expect Remote Relief as part of the complete drive-through dining experience.”

When asked if Remote Relief would someday accommodate solid waste as well, the source said, “Of course not! That’s disgusting.”

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